I always knew that we die, I mean everything in this world has to end, and we are no exception (no matter how much you want it to be different), there will be one day when we won’t be on this earth. And there was no worse reminder of this than last Sunday.
My cousin, of just 31 years of age died of liver cirrhosis, caused by years of alcohol abuse. I’m in a weird place right now. There is part of me that is hollow, I want him back, I want to see him again and see him happy, see him get married and see start a life. But there is also a part of me that feels like it was for the best. He had been in declining health for a year, not being able to walk for most of it. It was so unbearable to see what was happening to him that I think that his death (as weird as this might sound) is kind of a relief because I know that he’s not suffering or hurting and basically dying one of the worst deaths that I have ever seen.
He did not get to live a life, he was 31 but he did not live any of those years. He previously stated on his 30th birthday that he never got to do what he wanted to do. He never finished school, he proposed but she didn’t accept, he was never able to live the life that he wanted. Although I know that wherever he is, I know that he is living life, it may not be in this dimension, but he is out there. His death also made me aware of my problems (I have anxiety among other things) and made me look inside myself into what I want in life and assess my progress in getting there. He was a perfect example of what not to do, and I don’t want his death to be in vain.
Starting tomorrow, I will live life with no regrets and with as little fear as I can. That’s a lot coming from someone who just hours ago almost had an anxiety attack while walking down some stairs. I will learn to live life without obsessing what people think of me, and I will always keep some things in mind.
1: Don’t waste time on waiting people to accept you, you are enough and the people that don’t want you in your life won’t matter.
2: If people make fun of you, it says more about them as a person than you. So keep doing what you’re doing.
3: Don’t be scared to get help, people will always be there and everything in this life has a solution.
4: Please don’t be hard to yourself. There will come a time when you’ll have your shit together.
Life does not suck all the time, sure there are moments like these when you want to crawl under the covers and sleep until all of this is over, but these moments are temporary and are there to make you appreciate the good moments.