This is the first “official” post on my new little blogging series called “This Is How a Heart Breaks.” My blog has always been a place where I can use as an outlet to let it all out, from when I’m excited about a new dress or an activity I want to do, and now I’ll even talk about my heartaches. I promise I won’t be too depressing, this will be me letting it all out. From when we met to the moment I was left alone, I will let it all out. But because this is a journey, I’ll talk about my feelings and my experience going through love, loss, sadness and my comping mechanisms as I find my happiness again. If you have any stories you want to share, feel free in the comments, or contact me, I can even make it into a post.
From the moment that I saw him, I knew that he was someone that would be special, he was everything I was looking for…but let me back up a bit. A few months before that I had been in what you would call an unhealthy relationship with someone that clearly was not meant for me, but that is another story for another time. I thought I was ready, I thought I knew better, I thought he was going to be different from the rest…I thought. He was cute, he was smart and he was charismatic, someone that I felt very comfortable with from the moment I was around him. Now when I look back at this, I wonder why. Why? Why did I love him? Why did I care? Why did I let it happen again?
This is how my heart broke.
Tom* (not his real name, cause I don’t want to give him attention) was perfect. He is tall, handsome, wore cute glasses, had a nice job, he was everything I wanted in a person. Okay, I do have to admit now, he was one of those annoying hipster guys that I normally would find annoying AF, but when you’re in “like” with someone, they can do and be no wrong.
I think the whole hipster guy with a type should have been the first red flag that this was never going to work out. But I still haven’t figured out why I kept holding on to the idea, an idea of a relationship that was never going to happen, something that would only leave me alone and sad.
I was very cautious from the start, but not enough. I did not let myself get too attached, “He’s just a friend,” “You got hurt in the past, and you don’t really want to let that happen again.” But the longer we were together, the more it felt like this is where I belonged, this is who I belonged with.
Everything was different from the last time. Tom was mature, he was older than me, and he knew what he wanted in life. In my previous relationship, he was immature, a child that did not know what he wanted. That only wanted people to please him and to be able to control his partner. Tom wasn’t like this, he wasn’t vain or superficial like the one before. He was supposed to be different.
We went from casually hanging out, to being alone, it was just us. It was perfect. I let my guard down and let me be happy…but that all changed when he said that this wasn’t what he wanted. What he wanted was someone else…someone who is not me. A year of what seemed of floating on a cloud ended with a hard splat on the ground.
I was shocked when this happened. I was left with questions that would never get answers. I would never get the answers I want because I don’t think I can face it again. It’s never a good feeling after you are basically dumped for someone else. If I write all my questions down, I could fill a notebook. Why did you sting me along? Why did you make me feel like I could be safe with you? When did you decide you were going to leave me? Was I not good enough for you? What could I have done for you to stay? Why did you not tell me you were having second thoughts? Why did you let me open up to you even though you knew that you would break my heart? Why did you leave me? Why her? Why her? Why her??
Why not me?