Whenever heartbreak happens, there is almost always a question that remains, at least for me…Why?
Most of my heartaches in the past have left me with an overwhelming feeling of regrets and doubts about myself. Why did he leave? Why didn’t he love me? Why is he with her? I guess it’s in my nature. I have always been insecure about myself as it is, and when you factor in someone who you thought cared about you, leave you…those feeling can go into overdrive. And above else, they can be destructive.
I have struggled with the questions that I cannot ask and am afraid to be answered. He left you because she is better than you. She is smarter, thinner, more beautiful, richer, more experienced, and overall someone that is better and who deserves his love more than you.
But that’s the thing…I had an epiphany…one day while I was sulking about how he did not love me and why and who he chose to be with, I realized what my thoughts were doing to me. Deserve. I said the word deserve when describing the other person and how it was unfair that the person who “deserved” him wasn’t me.But that’s the thing…that’s not how love works.
You don’t spend life or a relationship debating whether or not you deserve to be, be with or have something…so I’m sure as hell I won’t debate myself whether or not I could have love, I’m not doing it anymore…I shouldn’t have done it in the first place. There is nothing wrong with me, sure I do have some faults (like everybody else), but no person has or should feel like they have to compete for someone’s attention and love.
Now that’s not to say that there are days where I doubt myself and I think about all the why’s, but I have now realized that this is something that comes with the coping and the reconciling after a heartbreak. I know now that any decision that he made, was made from his own thoughts and that there was nothing I could do to make him stay.
And now that I think about it, I prefer that he left me. I would have felt more pain knowing that I was in something where one person did not want to be with. I also realize that maybe him leaving isn’t a bad thing. I should have never felt like I needed to do or be things in order to get love from somebody. Never. And if you’re ever in a position where you feel the need to change yourself or adjust who you are to accommodate another person. That’s not love.
So he can be with her. I don’t care…but I do care. In all honesty, the only thing that is keeping me going and upbeat is the thought and the hope that I have for the future. One day I will be with someone and it won’t have to be this way, one day I’ll be with someone who will make me become the best me I can be. Emphasis on the “me.” I will never lose myself or my worth for someone’s approval or love. It won’t happen.
Although, I do have to admit, it still hurts. It hurts when I hear his name, see his face or see her. It hurts. But I know that this hurt is a lesson that I had to learn.
I’m not over him, but I can see the light. And it is bright and amazing.