As 2017 draws near, I decided that thing need to change. Everyone has new year’s resolutions, and I am no exception. I have some very basic ones, and ones that are not so basic. Sure, I would love to lose some pound and basically get my shit together, but that is a story for another time. My biggest wish for the new year is to let go of the things, people, habits feelings and anything else that impedes my happiness. I cannot live like this anymore.
For so long my idea of happiness has been one that involved other people. Specifically, if someone loved me, if someone wanted me, if someone thought I was worth something, then I could be happy. But life and this year has been hard in general, but also personally. When your happiness comes from someone else, what happens if it all falls apart? You have to start letting go.
Letting go is hard, hell…we keep clothes we know will never fit or go back in style. We also do it with people that do not belong in our lives anymore. But like anything, letting go is more of acknowledgement than anything else. It is acknowledging the departure of the love, care, feelings, and importance of whatever you are letting go.
I am letting go of someone, which is probably one of the hardest things one can do. With that, there are many feelings and many brutally honest conversations that I have with myself. The tough questions need to be asked. (Why did I let him define my happiness, my self-worth, my ambitions, my goals? How did it get this bad? This is not who you were, so why did your life become so dependent on someone else?)
When you let go, there are many things to acknowledge. There are many things that you need to confront in order to change. My major obstacle is confronting the notion that he is gone, he is never coming back into my life. He’s not dead, but either way, there is no way in hell I am going to let him come back and mess up my life. I need to confront and change the idea that what happened has no control or indication of who I am as a person or how much I am worth. If someone did not want to be with me, then it is THEIR loss, not mine. I am awesome. I can, am, and will be awesome without him. This is one of those things that is better said/written that done. Especially when confidence is something that does not come easily to me. At this point, I am at 0% in terms of confidence. I am still heartbroken and am coming to terms with the heartbreak. Whether I ignore it or acknowledge it, I got my heart broken. There is no sugar coating that. There is no way I can lessen the pain of knowing that I was not good enough for someone. That feeling of being disposable does not go away, it lingers in the air whenever I think about how all of this went down. I have to not only let go of the feelings of being disposable and the idea that the value someone else puts on me has any implications on myself. I DEFINE WHAT I AM WORTH AND NO ONE ELSE!
Another thing I have to let go of, something that is tied with everything else, is letting go of him in general. I should not care or care for him anymore. No more searching his Instagram, no more lurking on his Facebook page. I do not need a constant reminder that he is happy without me, that he is happy with someone else. I do not need a constant reminder that someone else makes him happy, and that he probably had feelings for them way before he even left me. When I do not let go of him, I do not let go of the feelings that I have for him. When I do not let go of him, I do not let go of the wrong ideas, bad thoughts and feelings I have for myself. I have to remember that I control my destiny, myself…no one else has that power. The only mistake I have made throughout this process was to give someone a power, a privilege they were not entitled to.
What I need to do is remember all the things that make him bad for me and my life. A reminder that he was never meant for me, a reminder that the idea that I was not good enough is not true. It was always the other way around. I need to love myself and treat myself better than he or anyone else ever could. Right now, the focus should be on me and making my life the best one I could ever live. It should not be about wanting to change to make someone love me. If someone changes how you see yourself, changes (for the worst) how much you value yourself, they need to go. No person should have that much control over you.
Again, writing/saying something is way easier than actually doing it. Changing a mindset that took time to form is a difficult task. Leaving someone you once loved and cared for (and maybe I still do) is difficult. Attachment and love is something that is hard to get rid of. I tried ripping my feelings off my heart like a Band-Aid, but it did not work. This will be a long and difficult process, after all… letting go is a hard thing to do.