I think I’ve been going down a slippery slope for a while. There are many things that have contributed to my decline.
It was V-Day and I got wrapped up with something that I should have let go a long time ago. It’s over, it’s been over…so why not just move on? Why can’t I move on?? I need to understand that there are some people in your life that are meant to be a lesson, or at least as something that is not permanent. He was one of them, why I keep on going back to someone that causes so much hurt is beyond me. It is my goal moving forward that I let go of him and all the feelings that I have. Love is about making yourself and others feel good, it’s not about how much hurt you can take. Hurting yourself to please others aren’t a good thing.
Things have become overwhelming. I am restless, yet I still want to do nothing. I feel a sense of urgency – that everything is coming too fast, there is too much to do. I also feel like I have nothing to do, that I have nothing going for me. It’s a mix of emotions that I don’t know how to control.
I find myself getting angrier and angrier at people. I have let the little things in life bother me, to the point where I have become a person that I do not like. I feel defeated, mean spirited and just hopeless when looking ahead.
It’s like nothing makes sense, but everything does make sense.
But today, I did hit a low point. There is nothing great about hitting a low point, the only upside to all of this is that there is nowhere to go but up.
Today I decide to be happy. It comes with many realizations:
- No one person will fix me – I can’t rely on someone else to fix my demons. They do not experience what I experience, and it is just an endless cycle of reliance on others.
- No one person can dictate how I feel – It’s time to let myself control how to feel about myself. I don’t expect to be 1000% confident. I am insecure, there are many things I don’t like about myself. Even though there are still problems with my confidence, knowing that it comes from me and only me gives me hope that I can deal and fix them rather than look at another person for acceptance.
- Your life is OK. In a crude way, life is like a sidewalk, you never know what you’re going to encounter. There are times when it is going to be lined with flowers and beauty, but there are also times when there’s going to be a giant turd on the ground. To put it more bluntly, you can either step in shit and wallow in it, or you can avoid. it. There will be times when the shit will sneak up on you, but get up, clean up, and move on. It does not do well to dwell on shit, it will (literally) stink up your life.
- You are loved. Don’t let one person’s love or actions fog up your viewpoints. There are so many people in my life that care about me and I need to think about all their love and what they do for me when I have bad thoughts.
Even though I am making a case for one to stop having bad thoughts and bad ways, I do understand that there are people, events and days in life where things aren’t going to be great. It’s OK to not feel 100% OK, it’s all part of the process. I acknowledge that the path to happiness is rough and long, it is the mos difficult thing I will ever do.
Today I choose happiness. I hope you do too.
What makes you happy?