Sometimes I think that I am the queen of not being able to let go. There are some people that I can’t let go of. There are some ideas that I can’t shake off, the expectations that I put on myself. The thoughts that are inside my head when I can’t go to sleep at night. Sometimes I just don’t know when to let go. Continue reading
I am done.
I am done pretending that what happened was okay and that you still have room or privilege in my heart.
I am done spending and wasting so much time on you when you clearly moved on.
I am done with you playing with my emotions. I am done believing the lies when you said you would change.
I am done trying to attain something unattainable.
I am done with giving my heart false hope.
I am done with settling for your mediocrity and lies, I deserve better.
I am done.
Hello, long time no talk. It’s been a while since I’ve sat down and written something and I think now would be the time to let some emotions out. It’s raining today and the gloomy weather fits my mood today
This past month has been amazing, so many things have gone down that make me feel so happy inside. But unfortunately there are those days when you can’t get out of bed and do anything. Today is one of those days.
I think I’m going to talk about the things that are frustrating me, just so I can end this post on a lighter note.
There are so many things going on in my life, and it’s getting to me. I am in my last semester of college and all the classes and assignments are piling up on me. Although generally I am doing very well in all my classes, sometimes I hit a bump on the road and get stuck and don’t want to continue. I have so many assignments due and projects due that it’s making my head spin. I like to plan, I use planning as a way to cope with my anxiety. I love decorating and putting stickers and cute stuff on my planner, but sometimes no amount of cat/smiley face stickers can hide the looming due dates. Because this is my last semester of college, all my classes are upper level classes and are extremely difficult. I have papers due left and right, interviews to go on, group projects to complete. It all gets too much. I have a constant headache and the want to just be in bed all day, away from it all. But that’s my depression and anxiety working, those are the voices I should not listen to.
Emotionally, I don’t know if it’s hormonal changes or my depression bleeding into all the aspects of my life, but right now I am not in a good place. I feel like I am stuck, like I can’t move on. I don’t know why I can’t move on. I have constant feelings of not being good enough and just failing as a human being. There are many reasons and evidence to prove otherwise, but I don’t know why I just feel like a big piece of poo. I shouldn’t compare myself to others, but I do. I shouldn’t want someone who never deserved me, but I do. For my 25th birthday, I promised myself to work on this. And although change does not happen overnight, I really want to see change. I want to be better, I want to be happy, happy with being me.
On to the positive stuff. IT WAS MY BIRTHDAY!!!
I turned 25 and I had a wonderful birthday, before my bday I had cake with my family and my mom bought me some clothes, I might feature the outfit in a bit. I wore it when I went to an interview – an interview that went very well. I also bought myself a new purse so that is another amazing thing that happened. After weeks and weeks of searching I finally bought one that I love, I’ll make a post about it soon. I wrote two papers, one that I felt extremely bad about but I ended up getting A’s for both the assignments. Amazing 🙂 I started a bowling class and although I am making a fool of myself but I am having fun. I bowled 17 on my first game but then I bowled 35, so I am making some improvements. lol I also bought a cool phone case, one that I had been wanting at a steal! It sells for $35+ but I got it for $13.
Although there are days like today when I don’t think anything is going right and I just want to lay in bed. I need to think of all the amazing things that are happening to me. I should not let these rainy days get to me…there are clear skies ahead.
So if you feel down today, keep your head up high. Your life is awesome. You DESERVE TO BE HAPPY EVERYDAY
I think I’ve been going down a slippery slope for a while. There are many things that have contributed to my decline.
It was V-Day and I got wrapped up with something that I should have let go a long time ago. It’s over, it’s been over…so why not just move on? Why can’t I move on?? I need to understand that there are some people in your life that are meant to be a lesson, or at least as something that is not permanent. He was one of them, why I keep on going back to someone that causes so much hurt is beyond me. It is my goal moving forward that I let go of him and all the feelings that I have. Love is about making yourself and others feel good, it’s not about how much hurt you can take. Hurting yourself to please others aren’t a good thing.
Things have become overwhelming. I am restless, yet I still want to do nothing. I feel a sense of urgency – that everything is coming too fast, there is too much to do. I also feel like I have nothing to do, that I have nothing going for me. It’s a mix of emotions that I don’t know how to control.
I find myself getting angrier and angrier at people. I have let the little things in life bother me, to the point where I have become a person that I do not like. I feel defeated, mean spirited and just hopeless when looking ahead.
It’s like nothing makes sense, but everything does make sense.
But today, I did hit a low point. There is nothing great about hitting a low point, the only upside to all of this is that there is nowhere to go but up.
Today I decide to be happy. It comes with many realizations:
- No one person will fix me – I can’t rely on someone else to fix my demons. They do not experience what I experience, and it is just an endless cycle of reliance on others.
- No one person can dictate how I feel – It’s time to let myself control how to feel about myself. I don’t expect to be 1000% confident. I am insecure, there are many things I don’t like about myself. Even though there are still problems with my confidence, knowing that it comes from me and only me gives me hope that I can deal and fix them rather than look at another person for acceptance.
- Your life is OK. In a crude way, life is like a sidewalk, you never know what you’re going to encounter. There are times when it is going to be lined with flowers and beauty, but there are also times when there’s going to be a giant turd on the ground. To put it more bluntly, you can either step in shit and wallow in it, or you can avoid. it. There will be times when the shit will sneak up on you, but get up, clean up, and move on. It does not do well to dwell on shit, it will (literally) stink up your life.
- You are loved. Don’t let one person’s love or actions fog up your viewpoints. There are so many people in my life that care about me and I need to think about all their love and what they do for me when I have bad thoughts.
Even though I am making a case for one to stop having bad thoughts and bad ways, I do understand that there are people, events and days in life where things aren’t going to be great. It’s OK to not feel 100% OK, it’s all part of the process. I acknowledge that the path to happiness is rough and long, it is the mos difficult thing I will ever do.
Today I choose happiness. I hope you do too.
What makes you happy?
As 2017 draws near, I decided that thing need to change. Everyone has new year’s resolutions, and I am no exception. I have some very basic ones, and ones that are not so basic. Sure, I would love to lose some pound and basically get my shit together, but that is a story for another time. My biggest wish for the new year is to let go of the things, people, habits feelings and anything else that impedes my happiness. I cannot live like this anymore.
For so long my idea of happiness has been one that involved other people. Specifically, if someone loved me, if someone wanted me, if someone thought I was worth something, then I could be happy. But life and this year has been hard in general, but also personally. When your happiness comes from someone else, what happens if it all falls apart? You have to start letting go.
Letting go is hard, hell…we keep clothes we know will never fit or go back in style. We also do it with people that do not belong in our lives anymore. But like anything, letting go is more of acknowledgement than anything else. It is acknowledging the departure of the love, care, feelings, and importance of whatever you are letting go.
I am letting go of someone, which is probably one of the hardest things one can do. With that, there are many feelings and many brutally honest conversations that I have with myself. The tough questions need to be asked. (Why did I let him define my happiness, my self-worth, my ambitions, my goals? How did it get this bad? This is not who you were, so why did your life become so dependent on someone else?)
When you let go, there are many things to acknowledge. There are many things that you need to confront in order to change. My major obstacle is confronting the notion that he is gone, he is never coming back into my life. He’s not dead, but either way, there is no way in hell I am going to let him come back and mess up my life. I need to confront and change the idea that what happened has no control or indication of who I am as a person or how much I am worth. If someone did not want to be with me, then it is THEIR loss, not mine. I am awesome. I can, am, and will be awesome without him. This is one of those things that is better said/written that done. Especially when confidence is something that does not come easily to me. At this point, I am at 0% in terms of confidence. I am still heartbroken and am coming to terms with the heartbreak. Whether I ignore it or acknowledge it, I got my heart broken. There is no sugar coating that. There is no way I can lessen the pain of knowing that I was not good enough for someone. That feeling of being disposable does not go away, it lingers in the air whenever I think about how all of this went down. I have to not only let go of the feelings of being disposable and the idea that the value someone else puts on me has any implications on myself. I DEFINE WHAT I AM WORTH AND NO ONE ELSE!
Another thing I have to let go of, something that is tied with everything else, is letting go of him in general. I should not care or care for him anymore. No more searching his Instagram, no more lurking on his Facebook page. I do not need a constant reminder that he is happy without me, that he is happy with someone else. I do not need a constant reminder that someone else makes him happy, and that he probably had feelings for them way before he even left me. When I do not let go of him, I do not let go of the feelings that I have for him. When I do not let go of him, I do not let go of the wrong ideas, bad thoughts and feelings I have for myself. I have to remember that I control my destiny, myself…no one else has that power. The only mistake I have made throughout this process was to give someone a power, a privilege they were not entitled to.
What I need to do is remember all the things that make him bad for me and my life. A reminder that he was never meant for me, a reminder that the idea that I was not good enough is not true. It was always the other way around. I need to love myself and treat myself better than he or anyone else ever could. Right now, the focus should be on me and making my life the best one I could ever live. It should not be about wanting to change to make someone love me. If someone changes how you see yourself, changes (for the worst) how much you value yourself, they need to go. No person should have that much control over you.
Again, writing/saying something is way easier than actually doing it. Changing a mindset that took time to form is a difficult task. Leaving someone you once loved and cared for (and maybe I still do) is difficult. Attachment and love is something that is hard to get rid of. I tried ripping my feelings off my heart like a Band-Aid, but it did not work. This will be a long and difficult process, after all… letting go is a hard thing to do.