This Is How a Heart Breaks: Not So Fast

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Okay, so you know how last week I declared myself free from the heartbreak…well, not so fast. For a couple of moments I saw the light at the end of the tunnel. I thought I had completely figured myself out: I wasn’t going to feel anything real for a phantom love. After all, I know in my head that someone like him doesn’t deserve my attention, love or thoughts. But that the thing when you’re heartbroken, you’re thinking with your heart and not your head.

Heart why do you suck so much? My head tells me one thing while my heart tells me something else, and almost always, my heart wins the battle. My head tells me that he’s moved on, (and let’s be real, he probably did before he left me), and that I should too. But my heart can’t help but crack every time I see them together. Why wasn’t I good enough for love and why don’t I deserve to be happy?

My head tells me that loving someone like him will never make me happy and that I should stop focusing on what I’m not and why he left me and focus on what makes me special and unique. To be honest, he wasn’t the best person ever, he wasn’t unique or compatible with me…shit, there’s a million other men that are better ( and better looking). But every time I try to move on, my heart says, “Not so fast!”

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This is How a Heart Breaks – Do I still Love you?

It’s been some time since I’ve written about this subject. Some time has passed since my heartbreak and heartache happened. I know I’ve written about coping mechanisms and how to deal with the pain, because sometimes the heartbreak and feelings that happen after a breakup feel can sometimes feel like a death has happened, and in some ways a death has happened…the death of a dream and hope with someone. It could be the biggest disappointment in some people’s lives.

About 3 months have gone by and at this point, it feels like a lifetime. A lot seems to have changed. I don’t get upset when I see him.I don’t have the time of day for him. I don’t want to check up on him or want to know what he’s doing. What he’s doing without me, with her. I no longer obsess over what I think I did wrong or why I wasn’t good enough for him. I am better, I am no longer hurting.

But after the hurting has ended and the clouds seem to disappear, my thoughts go from “What’s happening?” to “What’s next?” That is not to say that I am completely purged of him. Sometimes I think that I am completely over him but then there are times when I still have some lingering thoughts that say otherwise. I still think about his smile, his laugh, the way he made me feel…it’s all there, the love is still there.

Looking back at my journey, I can honestly say that I would not get back together with him if the opportunity came up. I am someone’s #1 choice, I will be. When it comes to the terms of love, one should never settle for second best. We all deserve to be #1. So sure, there’s love and who knows, I might always love him, but I found a deeper love and respect for the person that matters the most…me.

This is How a Heart Breaks – What now?

There’s always that moment after a heartbreak when you have to say to yourself, “Okay…so what happens now?” That moment when you realize that this is all real, there is no way you two are going to get back together and that you need to do something with your life before you go crazy. There are just so many hours you can spend by yourself, letting your thoughts consume you, it’s not healthy and it’s ultimately not worthy of yourself.

But what do you do? What happens now?

I’ve been struggling with this part for a while now because I am at the point in my heartache when I know that the relationship and the person that I thought I knew and loved was gone now, never to come back, but at the same time, I have the feeling of wanting to be hopeful for him to come back. But I know that it’s not going to happen, and even though I still struggle everyday, deep down inside, I know that this is for the best.

You never want to be with someone who won’t be there for you. You don’t deserve to be with someone who won’t give it their all for you. You shouldn’t settle for second best when you know that you should be someone’s number one. When you settle, you ultimately do a disservice for all the parties involved, but mostly you.I’m struggling with the thoughts of moving on with my life and having a mini breakdown every time I hear his name or I see his face. I shouldn’t settle…and you shouldn’t either.

That being said, what the hell do you do? To keep my thoughts out of the sometimes black hole I like to call my brain, I have been doing many things to keep me busy.

One, retail therapy is always nice. Every once in a while I like to have days when I just treat myself. I treat myself because I know that I deserve to get what I want and as a plus, who doesn’t want to look good? Falling in love with a style or getting excited over wearing a new dress can do wonders for the heart. I always love doing some retail therapy.

Another way I pass my time is by writing. This is something that is simple, yet effective. When I put my words onto a piece of paper of even this blog, I feel like I’m writing my problems away. Also, if you don’t feel comfortable sharing your thoughts with friends and family members, writing something online is always an alternative. One way I like to make myself feel better is by just dumping all my thoughts and my sadness somewhere and reading it back after some time. Most often than not, I feel like my sadness and this heartache will never end, but as soon as I take time to let it all out and then let it go, I always find that reading back my words assure me that this, like other things, will not matter. I am alive and I am thriving.

If all else fails, cry. I mean it! I’m not one of those people that think that crying is a sign of weakness, crying is something that is sometimes necessary for moving on. I like to cry because after some time, you just get tired of it. And if you get tired of crying for someone, then you’ll get tired of missing them…at least that’s how I look at things.

These are the things that I do when I don’t know what to do or where to put my heartache, what are your methods?

This is How a Heart Breaks – Why?

Whenever heartbreak happens, there is almost always a question that remains, at least for me…Why?

Most of my heartaches in the past have left me with an overwhelming feeling of regrets and doubts about myself. Why did he leave? Why didn’t he love me? Why is he with her? I guess it’s in my nature. I have always been insecure about myself as it is, and when you factor in someone who you thought cared about you, leave you…those feeling can go into overdrive. And above else, they can be destructive.

I have struggled with the questions that I cannot ask and am afraid to be answered. He left you because she is better than you. She is smarter, thinner, more beautiful, richer, more experienced, and overall someone that is better and who deserves his love more than you.

But that’s the thing…I had an epiphany…one day while I was sulking about how he did not love me and why and who he chose to be with, I realized what my thoughts were doing to me. Deserve. I said the word deserve when describing the other person and how it was unfair that the person who “deserved” him wasn’t me.But that’s the thing…that’s not how love works.

You don’t spend life or a relationship debating whether or not you deserve to be, be with or have something…so I’m sure as hell I won’t debate myself whether or not I could have love, I’m not doing it anymore…I shouldn’t have done it in the first place. There is nothing wrong with me, sure I do have some faults (like everybody else), but no person has or should feel like they have to compete for someone’s attention and love.

Now that’s not to say that there are days where I doubt myself and I think about all the why’s, but I have now realized that this is something that comes with the coping and the reconciling after a heartbreak. I know now that any decision that he made, was made from his own thoughts and that there was nothing I could do to make him stay.

And now that I think about it, I prefer that he left me. I would have felt more pain knowing that I was in something where one person did not want to be with. I also realize that maybe him leaving isn’t a bad thing. I should have never felt like I needed to do or be things in order to get love from somebody. Never. And if you’re ever in a position where you feel the need to change yourself or adjust who you are to accommodate another person. That’s not love.

So he can be with her. I don’t care…but I do care. In all honesty, the only thing that is keeping me going and upbeat is the thought and the hope that I have for the future. One day I will be with someone and it won’t have to be this way, one day I’ll be with someone who will make me become the best me I can be. Emphasis on the “me.” I will never lose myself or my worth for someone’s approval or love. It won’t happen.

Although, I do have to admit, it still hurts. It hurts when I hear his name, see his face or see her. It hurts. But I know that this hurt is a lesson that I had to learn.

I’m not over him, but I can see the light. And it is bright and amazing.

 

Those Jet Pack Blues

Okay, so I had a plan this week to be organized and get shit done and it didn’t start out that way. On Sunday, I just couldn’t sleep, I just couldn’t do it. I was tired, but I really could not bring myself to close my eyes and rest. And because I couldn’t go to sleep, I finally fell asleep at 5 in the morning and woke up super late, too late to go see my professor or pick out my textbook from the bookstore, I guess I’ll just have to do those things early tomorrow morning. I have a quiz tomorrow so I’ll spend some time during my novela watching and study.

I listened to the first half of the new Fall Out Boy album American Beauty/American Psycho and so far, so good. My favorite song so far is Jet Pack Blues, that is the song of the day.

There is something that has been bothering me the last couple of days, the fact that there are some things that I cannot know. Example: There’s this really cute guy that I like. For the most part, maybe it’s my wishful thinking, but I really think that he’s single. But here’s the thing, occasionally I see him with this chick (I’m pretty sure she’s married, not to him) but I sometimes get the feeling that they’re just friends and then there are times when I think they might be together. But I don’t know. We’re in weird place where we see each other but it will just make things awkward if I ask. I am debating on whether just letting this play out and let time tell me what’s up or just asking him and get it over with. To be honest, I’m just scared that I’m going to hear something that I don’t want to. It just sucks being out of the loop.

In other news, today I just got some really good news, my Miss A (an accessory shop) has shipped my order and it will hopefully get here in the next couple of days. I won’t list what I bought because I think I’m going to do a haul/review here (probably on Friday)

I’ll leave you guys here. I have to study for a quiz and be prepared to fall on my ass since my apartment building school don’t give a shit and don’t shovel or clean the ice. Wish me luck.

Listen to Jet Pack Blues here: