I Remember

I remember the first time I saw you, it felt like there was electricity in the air. The air felt like a thunderstorm coming at us, and in a way, it was. From the moment that I saw you, I knew you were special, you were different.

I remember getting to know you, getting to know your ticks, the things you love, and having reasons why you were right for me. I was envisioning my life with yours, I was giving you the benefit of the doubt, giving myself and all of my life for the first time.

I remember falling for you. I remember loving your smile even though you tried to hide it, the way you talked with your hands – your hands becoming more animated as you got more excited. There was something so innocent, so natural, so perfect about you. You became my safety net, the person that I could confide in. The person that I wanted.

I remember loving you, loving you for your highs and lows. We were two different people, but we fit together like a puzzle.

I remember you breaking my heart. Doing what you said what you would never do.

I remember you digging the knife deeper and deeper, I remember when it felt hard to breathe, hard to let go, move on and forgive. I remember my heart skipping beats and hurting as I saw you. I remember it all.

I don’t remembered how it happened, but I let it go. It just felt like I let go of a breath that I held for so long. For the first time in a long time, I didn’t want you, didn’t want your lies, didn’t want to be tangled in your web.

Today I saw you both today and I didn’t breakdown, not one tear escaping.

I forgot you.

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New Year – I need to learn to move on.

I am tired of who I am. I am tired of being the person that gives and gives for only pain in return. I am tired of giving chances to those that never deserved one to begin with. I am tired of being the one that holds on to hope, when there isn’t any. I am tired of being strong for others while my heart holds on by a thread. I am tired of being a puppet, pulled and pushed by the one person I gladly let control me.

I will not waste my light to shine someone’s darkness.

I want to be happy by myself, I need to learn how to accept myself. I need to learn that I am enough, even though I have torn myself to pieces. I need to pick myself up and rebuild. I need to be happy, I need to love, I need to be loved, and that starts by picking me.

I am tired, but I am ready.

I don’t know if anyone is reading this, but if by chance you are, I just want you to know that I believe in you, and I want you to be happy. Let’s start moving forward.

This Is How a Heart Breaks: Not So Fast

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Okay, so you know how last week I declared myself free from the heartbreak…well, not so fast. For a couple of moments I saw the light at the end of the tunnel. I thought I had completely figured myself out: I wasn’t going to feel anything real for a phantom love. After all, I know in my head that someone like him doesn’t deserve my attention, love or thoughts. But that the thing when you’re heartbroken, you’re thinking with your heart and not your head.

Heart why do you suck so much? My head tells me one thing while my heart tells me something else, and almost always, my heart wins the battle. My head tells me that he’s moved on, (and let’s be real, he probably did before he left me), and that I should too. But my heart can’t help but crack every time I see them together. Why wasn’t I good enough for love and why don’t I deserve to be happy?

My head tells me that loving someone like him will never make me happy and that I should stop focusing on what I’m not and why he left me and focus on what makes me special and unique. To be honest, he wasn’t the best person ever, he wasn’t unique or compatible with me…shit, there’s a million other men that are better ( and better looking). But every time I try to move on, my heart says, “Not so fast!”

This is How a Heart Breaks – Do I still Love you?

It’s been some time since I’ve written about this subject. Some time has passed since my heartbreak and heartache happened. I know I’ve written about coping mechanisms and how to deal with the pain, because sometimes the heartbreak and feelings that happen after a breakup feel can sometimes feel like a death has happened, and in some ways a death has happened…the death of a dream and hope with someone. It could be the biggest disappointment in some people’s lives.

About 3 months have gone by and at this point, it feels like a lifetime. A lot seems to have changed. I don’t get upset when I see him.I don’t have the time of day for him. I don’t want to check up on him or want to know what he’s doing. What he’s doing without me, with her. I no longer obsess over what I think I did wrong or why I wasn’t good enough for him. I am better, I am no longer hurting.

But after the hurting has ended and the clouds seem to disappear, my thoughts go from “What’s happening?” to “What’s next?” That is not to say that I am completely purged of him. Sometimes I think that I am completely over him but then there are times when I still have some lingering thoughts that say otherwise. I still think about his smile, his laugh, the way he made me feel…it’s all there, the love is still there.

Looking back at my journey, I can honestly say that I would not get back together with him if the opportunity came up. I am someone’s #1 choice, I will be. When it comes to the terms of love, one should never settle for second best. We all deserve to be #1. So sure, there’s love and who knows, I might always love him, but I found a deeper love and respect for the person that matters the most…me.

This is How a Heart Breaks – What now?

There’s always that moment after a heartbreak when you have to say to yourself, “Okay…so what happens now?” That moment when you realize that this is all real, there is no way you two are going to get back together and that you need to do something with your life before you go crazy. There are just so many hours you can spend by yourself, letting your thoughts consume you, it’s not healthy and it’s ultimately not worthy of yourself.

But what do you do? What happens now?

I’ve been struggling with this part for a while now because I am at the point in my heartache when I know that the relationship and the person that I thought I knew and loved was gone now, never to come back, but at the same time, I have the feeling of wanting to be hopeful for him to come back. But I know that it’s not going to happen, and even though I still struggle everyday, deep down inside, I know that this is for the best.

You never want to be with someone who won’t be there for you. You don’t deserve to be with someone who won’t give it their all for you. You shouldn’t settle for second best when you know that you should be someone’s number one. When you settle, you ultimately do a disservice for all the parties involved, but mostly you.I’m struggling with the thoughts of moving on with my life and having a mini breakdown every time I hear his name or I see his face. I shouldn’t settle…and you shouldn’t either.

That being said, what the hell do you do? To keep my thoughts out of the sometimes black hole I like to call my brain, I have been doing many things to keep me busy.

One, retail therapy is always nice. Every once in a while I like to have days when I just treat myself. I treat myself because I know that I deserve to get what I want and as a plus, who doesn’t want to look good? Falling in love with a style or getting excited over wearing a new dress can do wonders for the heart. I always love doing some retail therapy.

Another way I pass my time is by writing. This is something that is simple, yet effective. When I put my words onto a piece of paper of even this blog, I feel like I’m writing my problems away. Also, if you don’t feel comfortable sharing your thoughts with friends and family members, writing something online is always an alternative. One way I like to make myself feel better is by just dumping all my thoughts and my sadness somewhere and reading it back after some time. Most often than not, I feel like my sadness and this heartache will never end, but as soon as I take time to let it all out and then let it go, I always find that reading back my words assure me that this, like other things, will not matter. I am alive and I am thriving.

If all else fails, cry. I mean it! I’m not one of those people that think that crying is a sign of weakness, crying is something that is sometimes necessary for moving on. I like to cry because after some time, you just get tired of it. And if you get tired of crying for someone, then you’ll get tired of missing them…at least that’s how I look at things.

These are the things that I do when I don’t know what to do or where to put my heartache, what are your methods?