I Remember

I remember the first time I saw you, it felt like there was electricity in the air. The air felt like a thunderstorm coming at us, and in a way, it was. From the moment that I saw you, I knew you were special, you were different.

I remember getting to know you, getting to know your ticks, the things you love, and having reasons why you were right for me. I was envisioning my life with yours, I was giving you the benefit of the doubt, giving myself and all of my life for the first time.

I remember falling for you. I remember loving your smile even though you tried to hide it, the way you talked with your hands – your hands becoming more animated as you got more excited. There was something so innocent, so natural, so perfect about you. You became my safety net, the person that I could confide in. The person that I wanted.

I remember loving you, loving you for your highs and lows. We were two different people, but we fit together like a puzzle.

I remember you breaking my heart. Doing what you said what you would never do.

I remember you digging the knife deeper and deeper, I remember when it felt hard to breathe, hard to let go, move on and forgive. I remember my heart skipping beats and hurting as I saw you. I remember it all.

I don’t remembered how it happened, but I let it go. It just felt like I let go of a breath that I held for so long. For the first time in a long time, I didn’t want you, didn’t want your lies, didn’t want to be tangled in your web.

Today I saw you both today and I didn’t breakdown, not one tear escaping.

I forgot you.

Done

I am done.

I am done pretending that what happened was okay and that you still have room or privilege in my heart.

I am done spending and wasting so much time on you when you clearly moved on.

I am done with you playing with my emotions. I am done believing the lies when you said you would change.

I am done trying to attain something unattainable.

I am done with giving my heart false hope.

I am done with settling for your mediocrity and lies, I deserve better.

I am done.

Are you?

I’m Not Crying

I saw what you’re did…I’m not crying.

I saw who you’re with…I’m not crying.

I deleted everything…I’m not crying.

I’m deleting you from me…but I’m not crying.

This is How a Heart Breaks – What now?

There’s always that moment after a heartbreak when you have to say to yourself, “Okay…so what happens now?” That moment when you realize that this is all real, there is no way you two are going to get back together and that you need to do something with your life before you go crazy. There are just so many hours you can spend by yourself, letting your thoughts consume you, it’s not healthy and it’s ultimately not worthy of yourself.

But what do you do? What happens now?

I’ve been struggling with this part for a while now because I am at the point in my heartache when I know that the relationship and the person that I thought I knew and loved was gone now, never to come back, but at the same time, I have the feeling of wanting to be hopeful for him to come back. But I know that it’s not going to happen, and even though I still struggle everyday, deep down inside, I know that this is for the best.

You never want to be with someone who won’t be there for you. You don’t deserve to be with someone who won’t give it their all for you. You shouldn’t settle for second best when you know that you should be someone’s number one. When you settle, you ultimately do a disservice for all the parties involved, but mostly you.I’m struggling with the thoughts of moving on with my life and having a mini breakdown every time I hear his name or I see his face. I shouldn’t settle…and you shouldn’t either.

That being said, what the hell do you do? To keep my thoughts out of the sometimes black hole I like to call my brain, I have been doing many things to keep me busy.

One, retail therapy is always nice. Every once in a while I like to have days when I just treat myself. I treat myself because I know that I deserve to get what I want and as a plus, who doesn’t want to look good? Falling in love with a style or getting excited over wearing a new dress can do wonders for the heart. I always love doing some retail therapy.

Another way I pass my time is by writing. This is something that is simple, yet effective. When I put my words onto a piece of paper of even this blog, I feel like I’m writing my problems away. Also, if you don’t feel comfortable sharing your thoughts with friends and family members, writing something online is always an alternative. One way I like to make myself feel better is by just dumping all my thoughts and my sadness somewhere and reading it back after some time. Most often than not, I feel like my sadness and this heartache will never end, but as soon as I take time to let it all out and then let it go, I always find that reading back my words assure me that this, like other things, will not matter. I am alive and I am thriving.

If all else fails, cry. I mean it! I’m not one of those people that think that crying is a sign of weakness, crying is something that is sometimes necessary for moving on. I like to cry because after some time, you just get tired of it. And if you get tired of crying for someone, then you’ll get tired of missing them…at least that’s how I look at things.

These are the things that I do when I don’t know what to do or where to put my heartache, what are your methods?

This is How a Heart Breaks – Why?

Whenever heartbreak happens, there is almost always a question that remains, at least for me…Why?

Most of my heartaches in the past have left me with an overwhelming feeling of regrets and doubts about myself. Why did he leave? Why didn’t he love me? Why is he with her? I guess it’s in my nature. I have always been insecure about myself as it is, and when you factor in someone who you thought cared about you, leave you…those feeling can go into overdrive. And above else, they can be destructive.

I have struggled with the questions that I cannot ask and am afraid to be answered. He left you because she is better than you. She is smarter, thinner, more beautiful, richer, more experienced, and overall someone that is better and who deserves his love more than you.

But that’s the thing…I had an epiphany…one day while I was sulking about how he did not love me and why and who he chose to be with, I realized what my thoughts were doing to me. Deserve. I said the word deserve when describing the other person and how it was unfair that the person who “deserved” him wasn’t me.But that’s the thing…that’s not how love works.

You don’t spend life or a relationship debating whether or not you deserve to be, be with or have something…so I’m sure as hell I won’t debate myself whether or not I could have love, I’m not doing it anymore…I shouldn’t have done it in the first place. There is nothing wrong with me, sure I do have some faults (like everybody else), but no person has or should feel like they have to compete for someone’s attention and love.

Now that’s not to say that there are days where I doubt myself and I think about all the why’s, but I have now realized that this is something that comes with the coping and the reconciling after a heartbreak. I know now that any decision that he made, was made from his own thoughts and that there was nothing I could do to make him stay.

And now that I think about it, I prefer that he left me. I would have felt more pain knowing that I was in something where one person did not want to be with. I also realize that maybe him leaving isn’t a bad thing. I should have never felt like I needed to do or be things in order to get love from somebody. Never. And if you’re ever in a position where you feel the need to change yourself or adjust who you are to accommodate another person. That’s not love.

So he can be with her. I don’t care…but I do care. In all honesty, the only thing that is keeping me going and upbeat is the thought and the hope that I have for the future. One day I will be with someone and it won’t have to be this way, one day I’ll be with someone who will make me become the best me I can be. Emphasis on the “me.” I will never lose myself or my worth for someone’s approval or love. It won’t happen.

Although, I do have to admit, it still hurts. It hurts when I hear his name, see his face or see her. It hurts. But I know that this hurt is a lesson that I had to learn.

I’m not over him, but I can see the light. And it is bright and amazing.